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Onay Arayıcılık
Bireylerin duygusal ve sosyal ihtiyaçlarından biri de onay alma ihtiyacıdır.
Çocukluk döneminde aile ve çevre tarafından gösterilen onaylanma bireyin hayatında oldukça önemli bir yere sahiptir. Çocukluk döneminde onay alma ihtiyacı doğru bir şekilde karşılanmayan bireyler ilerleyen zamanlarda çevresinden onay almak için büyük bir çaba sarf etmektedir. Böylelikle erken çocukluk döneminde doğru bir şekilde karşılanmayan duygusal ihtiyaçlar yetişkinlik döneminde onay arayıcılığın yoğun bir şekilde ortaya çıkmasına sebep olmaktadır.
Onay arayıcılığı fazla olan kişiler, kendi benlik değerlerini çevrenin onaylama ve takdir etme durumlarına göre şekillendirir ve içe yönelik bir benlik duygusu geliştiremezler. Başkaları tarafından sevilmek, onay görmek, takdir edilmek, kabul görmek gibi durumlara olan ihtiyaçları oldukça fazladır. Onay arayıcılığı fazla olan kişi, çevre tarafından onaylanıp, beğenilirse ancak o zaman kişilerin arasına kabul edileceğine inanır ve bu şarta göre davranışlarını şekillendirir. Kişinin kendi öz saygısı ve değerleri başkalarının vermiş olduğu tepkiler ile ilişkilidir. Kendilerine yönelik olumlu duygular oluşturabilmek için çevreden onay alma ihtiyaçlarının karşılanmasını beklerler.
Onay Arayıcılık Nasıl Gelişir?
Çocukluk döneminde ebeveynler tarafından verilen koşullu sevgi onay arayıcılığın altında yatan sebeplerden biridir. Çocuk yalnızca başarılı olduğunda, iyi bir davranış sergilediğinde ya da anne babanın söylediklerini yaptığında sevgi görmüş olması onay arayıcılığı geliştiren nedenler arasındadır. Tüm bu davranışların aksini yaptığında sevgi göremeyen çocuk değersiz ve sevilmeyen biri olduğunu düşünmektedir. Ebeveynlerinin isteklerini yerine getirerek onları memnun eden, aferin alan çocuk ancak bu şekilde sevgi görebileceği konusunda kendini koşullar ve anne, babayı ve çevreyi memnun etmek, onayını almak amacıyla davranışlarını şekillendirir. Onay arayıcı kişiler hayatları boyunca kendi istekleri, beğenileri, fikirleri konusunda cesaretlendirilmedikleri için kendi değerlerini çoğunlukla karşı tarafın geri dönüşlerinde aramaktadırlar.
Onay Arayıcılığın Türleri
Onay arayıcılığın iki alt türü mevcuttur. İlk tür, çevresinde bulunan herkesin onu sevmesini ister ve onay arar. Kabul edilmek, değer görmek ve tanınmak bu türde bulunan kişiler için önemlidir. Diğer insanlar tarafından dışlanmaktan çekinirler ve sosyal gruplara dahil olmak onlar için önem teşkil eder.
İkinci tür ise beğenilmek ister. Beğenilerin yanında takdir görmek ve alkış almak ister. Genellikle narsistik kişilerde ikinci tür görülür. Çevrenin onayını almak için para, statü ve görünüme oldukça fazla dikkat ederler. Her iki tür içinde ortak olan nokta kendilerini iyi hissetmek adına başkalarından onay bekliyor olmalarıdır.
Hayatın büyük bir bölümünde başkalarının ne düşündüğü, ne söylediği bu kişiler için ön plandadır. Aynı zamanda çevresi tarafından dışlanmak ve reddedilmek son derece acı verici bir deneyimdir. Başkası tarafından kabul edilme ve onaylanma kendilik değerlerinin karşılığıdır. Bu kişilerin sahip olduğu genel davranışlar, onay almak için diğerlerini sevindirme ya da ılımlı olmak şeklinde ilerlemektedir. Çevresindeki kişiler ondan ne yapmasını isterse memnun etmek için yapmaya çalışırlar ve bunu bir zorunluluk olarak algılarlar. Kendinden fedakarlık yaparak karşı tarafa hayır demekte oldukça zorlanırlar. Bununla birlikte karşı tarafın ilgisini, onayını almak adına kendi isteklerini değersizleştirerek, sınır çizmekte zorlanırlar.
Onay arayıcılığı fazla olan bireylerde tedavinin temel amacı kişinin oluşturduğu sahte benliğinden farklı olarak gerçek bir benliğe sahip olmadığını fark etmesini sağlamaktır. Yaşamları boyunca onaylanmak isteği adı altında kendi istek ve eğilimlerini bastıran bu kişiler için tedavi süresince amaç çevrenin onayını elde etmek üzerine daha az odaklanması, kendi benliğine, kim olduğuna, asıl değerlerine, amaçlarına ve isteklerine daha yoğun bir şekilde odaklanmasına yardımcı olmaktır.
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